0. AND SO, I DECIDED TO LEAVE.
My whole life I´ve struggled with this thought nagging at the back of my head;
To settle and make the best out of it, or keep searching for my path, something that feels I’m being true to what I really want.
Does that makes sense? I don´t know if I´m explaining myself…as per usual.
But hey…I tried…I tried to have the honest life…well as honest as I could make it…which was not really that honest actually… like at all.
The thing is; I was just not doing what I really wanted, and because of that I was constantly conflicted with every decision I made and making some stupid ass mistakes.
(Comments 3/16) Mistakes like pushing my friends away, lying to my partner, being angry at the world and just acting like a victim.
I had my college degree, some kind of plan to settle with my partner at that time, somewhere, somehow. I was ready to place my feet on the ground and do what needed to be done to live that way. A life I thought I wanted and that I needed.
(Comments 3/16) I did want it, in reality I was happy, I mean it, well only when I was with her. It´s just things were getting complicated, in some ways I could control and in others I couldn´t. I could choose how to react to this complications, but I chose the wrong way of going on about it.
Yet everytime I had a little taste of what it meant to risk it all, be it from hearing a random anecdote from a friend, a certain f+cked up situation I had gotten myself into or just surfing that wave I thought impossible for someone like me to ride…The fever would kick in…that tick you get when you are about to send it all to hell.
(Comments 3/16) Honestly, I guess it was just always easier to escape, rid myself of certain responsibilities I thought I was not ready for, go as far away as possible from all the damage I thought I had done to both myself and the people around me. But truth is that running away from your life and from yourself will just hunt you until you no longer know what´s real or not.
And I so would tell myself;
Is all good bro, you are going back home now, grind your ass off for a few months and then maybe get another chance at travelling somewhere cool for a few days, you gonna make your friends proud, keep good ol´Dad happy and with one less worry in his life…and hey! maybe actually get your love life to work.
Nope…
Big NAH…
(Comments 3/16) It´s funny, it really is, I´m actually doing that now, but I feel good about it, it´s all about the mindset and having access to what you really love, in my case the ocean. The whole problem was that I never was a city kind of person. The dynamics, the relations, the conversations and the activites just weren´t really connecting with me, it´s all a choice at the end, and I chose not to be a part of it.
What I really wanted was to put my head in the deep end, to eat as much sh+t as possible, to go on a crusade of constant challenges.
Does that make me…
A masochist?
(Comments 3/16) We all have to face challenges, in different places and in our own ways, it´s not fair for me to say people that aren´t living my life don´t face issues on a daily basis. Life itself is a constant challenge, it´s up to us to choose how to put our energy into the issue, how we react and overcome it. My ex partner used to be really good at that, always strong, always determined, always seeing life as the wonderful thing it is, well at least that´s how I saw her, a paladin of light that brought nothing more than joy to everything in life, even the little things. I want to say that I hope everything is going amazing for her, she rocks in so many ways. Perhaps it would have been better to let each other go earlier instead of letting all that damage be done to our relation, not as a couple but as the good friends we were. I hope she´s enjoying her life, and will always wish her the best. And not only for her, to all the people I call friends that I might have lost contact with the past couple of years. Believe or not I think about all of you more than you would know. And that´s because I really do love all of you, in my own weird way.
20 something years old, and already trying to settle down in the concrete jungle? I couldn´t have been lying to myself anymore than a blind man when he says he doesn´t mind not being able to see the world.
The difference between me and the blind man is;
I didn´t have to accept it.
(Comments 3/16) And I never did, since the moment I laid my foot on the 1st world I knew I was going to keep living my way. Which was not the best way to live ones life, mostly throwing away time waiting for a certain moment to make me feel good again. I became dependant, addicted to hoping, at some point it felt I was static, waiting for time to pass until I could see her again, or go surf again. And so everything else around me just became a nuisance and a waste of time.
I didn´t have to conform to the way I thought I needed to live my life, comparing myself to others and letting my self doubt ruin my decisions which ultimately led me to hurt myself and the people I love.
It all just came down to how I saw myself, comparing my unhappiness with other people´s lives.
Oh that dude seems happy, oh and he´s got an actual 9-5 job, oh and he can drive a car, he probably got his sh+t super sorted out?? Oh and probably a bunch of nice friends to talk to about world problems and football. As well as going on cool one week trips to Morocco every so often. F+ck man I need that!
I realized; hey, how would I know if they truly were happy deep inside, and what business was it of mine to think if they were or weren´t?
(Comments 3/16) I have nothing but respect for all people in this life, to be able to push through and keep their values strong and steady even in the toughest of times is truly something to be proud of. Happiness is a feeling, it comes and goes, measuring the quality of my life based on how happy I am is just nonsense.
I had to focus on myself.
Regain control over my decisions, my thoughts, my objectives, and do what actually felt right to me.
The hypocrisy of my actions and the way I thought was just unacceptable, both for me and for the people I loved.
I needed to live my life and enjoy it, because I could, and have the choice to do so. Giving up this opportunity would be an insult to the universe.
I´m lucky, I really am, in reality I never had to prove anything to anyone. The people I hold dear to my heart just wanted me to be happy, whatever that might be.
There´s plenty of time to park the car, to find love, a home, be part of a community, grow professionally and save thousands of euros in my bank account…ideally.
And if I can´t achieve none of these things, then it is what it is, because in my eyes, I´d have overcame many other challenges that are important to me and the path I have chosen.
And so, I decided to leave that Adrián behind, the one who continuously doubted himself, the one who would constantly dissapointing others. Always trying to be; be cool, be attractive, be good at surfing, be good at sex, be the best at drinking liters of beer until you black out and wake up having pissed your pants in your girlfriends bed… but most importantly…the one who kept lying to himself and his loved ones.
The only thing I can do now as a person, as part of this life and this world… is just be a little bit better than yesterday…
(Comments 3/16) Hopefully I can honour all the beautiful people and memories I have made along the way. By just being true to myself.
I think that by just wanting to do stuff and enjoy doing them without malice, then that is more than enough to feel good.
(Comments 3/16) Feeling good that´s my drive, I don´t want to be necessarily happy, I just want to feel good with myself.
I don´t need my videos/photos liked by everyone, I don´t have to prove to my friends I´m good at surfing. I don´t have to prove to anyone that I´m a good person, and I certainly don´t have to keep bashing my head against the wall asking why/why/why did I do all those things that just weren´t me.
(Comments 3/16) Letting go, the mistakes I have made will always hunt me, I´m just that kind of person, what I have to do is choose to not let them poison me any further.
They happened, so that´s it, just do not to do them again.
All I have to do is be better than who I was yesterday…
If I can achieve that, then nothing else really matters. I want to believe in myself and in this game we call life, and regain love for who I am.
I don´t need to have a purpose, this blog doesn´t need to have a purpose, my mistakes and my achievements don´t need a purpose.
As long as I stay true to myself and not hurt … life is good and so am I.
At the end of the day, I´m just a dude trying to get some nice pictures with his camera (god bless 4k and burst mode) get little spray from a backside snap every now and then.
And ofcourse, hopefully, one day get laid again…
I´m just fullfilled in knowing I’m going full on with my decisions and from now I get to choose what I really want to do. I have trust in my judgement (it´s a work in progress) and who I am becoming.
And to be fair, I like the idea that I can just grab my car on a Tuesday at 6am and drop in on some shark infested waves. Totally not man eaters, or so the locals say, but still scary as it can be.
To be able to trust in my path is the greatest gift I can ask for.
Indeed, it is a very interesting time in my existence, learning to live and living to learn, every day a bit more…
I want to apologise to you, but I won´t get that satisfaction until the day we see each other again, not with words, just by being myself and true to you.
END OF THIS MEDITATION.
In the next blogs I promise to be less existential.
What does that even mean? IDK
The Path will be a random collection of stories that have happened in my life, might be in order of occurrence or just cuz I woke up feeling like it. Full of amazing images and perhaps cute lil highlight videos for those that can´t spend 10 minutes of their lives reading a few paragraphs, or just cuz my grammar is absolute bullcrap.
At some point the story will be about my current time here in New Zealand.
Well that´s the plan at least, let´s see how the cookie crumbles.
With love,
Adrián.
Somewhere in Central America. 2023. By Elia Van Looy.
